Just when I thought I had heard everything.... The other night, I met a woman at speed dating who is looking for a man with a specific profession. She wants the man of her dreams to have this profession because she fancies that it means he will be fit, have heaps of integrity, be honest and upright.
I really couldn't believe my ears! How does a person get it into their head that all people of one profession, race, religion or whatever are the same? People are people. There are good people. There are bad people.
How many wonderful men is she passing up because they don't hold a certain job? When a person tells me these things, I feel there is something else going on. It seems that they have reduced the chances of finding someone special to such a degree that it's no longer like looking for a needle in a haystack, it's like looking for the head of a pin in a haystack.
It's not that I think people should 'settle'. It's that I think they should be realistic. Save the fantasies for the movies or late at night when you're alone with your pillow.... Give people a chance. If you're looking for honesty, integrity, etc. there are plenty of people out there with those attributes. But if you are holding out for a type or a profession, etc. it might be cold comfort for you when you are sitting alone in your rocking chair later!
Writing a blog, seems to me to be a dangerous thing to do. It seems that as soon as a thought or idea is out there in the universe, someone will go out of their way to misunderstand or carry a comment around like a banner. For example, I had a female client who had been to speed dating a few times and with whom I had become friendly. The last time she came, she didn't match and asked me why I thought that was. I told her that I had noticed that after people come a few times, they often seem to make less matches. I said I thought this might be because they know there is a lot of talking to be done by the end of the evening, so maybe they were just holding back a little. Or maybe it helps to have the nervous edge of the first time participant. I said I thought it would be good to reflect a little on what she used to talk about or the questions she used to ask the other participants when she first started coming to speed dating. Amazingly to me, the only thing she grabbed onto out of the entire conversation was that I had said I'd noticed that after people attend a few times, they often seem to make less matches. So, she'd decided not to come anymore!
But I have some things to say, so I'm going to take the chance. I have been doing this for over six years. So I have seen a lot where singles are concerned. My intention has always been to provide a place where singles have the opportunity to meet others and possibly find someone special. I have always strived to be straight-forward and tell people the truth about speed dating.
I will admit that I have not always been honest with people about why I think they didn't match or what I think they could do to improve their chances. It has been my experience that the majority don't really want me to tell them those things. Let's face it, most of us know what could use improvement. We really don't need someone else to tell us those things. I don't give people personal advice anymore. I have learned the hard way that it is a mine field. The advice I am giving here is general and may or may not apply to you. I don't know you, it's not about you, so please don't take it as some veiled message directed at you! (Maybe I'm just getting paranoid...!)
Who Should Come to Speed Dating?
People who are well-grounded. People who have worked on themselves and are ready to have someone else in their life. People who are happy with themselves. (You are the only one who can make yourself happy. No one else can make you happy.)
People who are looking for some new friends of the opposite sex. Don't all relationships start out as friendships (at least the best and most long-lasting relationships)?
The people who have the most success at speed dating and the best chance of finding a fulfilling relationship are open and don't have some artificial list of 'qualifications' going. If you open yourself up to just dating to have fun, dating some people you might not have previously considered, you'll be surprised at what will come your way!
Who Should Not Come to Speed Dating?
People who are just out of a relationship. If you find you're still talking about your ex to 'anyone who will listen', it's too soon. If you're still longing to be back with your ex, it's too soon.
People who are coming to provide moral support to their friend(s). If you are not interested in making some new friends of the opposite sex or dating, you are wasting everyone's time and taking up the seat of someone who would like to attend in good faith. How about driving your friend to the event and picking them up after? Ask yourself, are you going to go out on their dates with them too?
A 'gaggle', or is that a 'flock' of friends. This particularly happens with groups of women. Women should not attend in groups larger than two. Here are the main reasons why: If any of the women aren't into it as much as the others, those women can spoil it for everyone. Sometimes, if the men know that you're friends, they may not pick any of you because they either don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or they think it might get complicated to date more than one of you. If one of the women isn't interested in dating, it is a waste of the other participant's time. Lastly, what if more than one of you meet a man who you think has the potential to be really special to you, and what if it is the same man? What then?
If you are angry about a past relationship and/or harbouring feelings of resentment against the opposite sex it would be better for you to get over it before you try to start a new relationship.
The 'Kiss of Death' at Speed Dating
There are several things that spell disaster when you attend a speed dating event. Talking about your ex is a sure turn off to others. No one wants to hear all about your last relationship in seven minutes.
Getting drunk is another bad idea. No one thinks you're attractive when you've had too much to drink. This doesn't happen often and it's usually a problem when people have been drinking before they come and then think it's a good idea to have another to sooth their nerves.
As a man, wearing runners, t-shirts, collared shirts open over a t-shirt as though your shirt is a jacket just won't measure up. You may think men are the only ones who are visual but you would be wrong. Women like to see you looking good too.
As a woman, wearing your hair pulled back in a ponytail or plopped on the back of your head in a bun, wearing a velour track jacket or "Frankenstein" boots looks a little too much like you're on a girl's night out.
Create the first impression you'd like to make.
As with all dating/introduction services, I find that it is most difficult to get men who are over 50 to give speed dating a try. I think I know some of the reasons but I find that once they give it a try, they enjoy it. In fact, in each and every age group, people are always surprised at the quality of the people who attend speed dating. It's unfortunate that movies like 40 Year Old Virgin portray all people who come as being like Andy Stitzer. This couldn't be farther from the truth.
From the "Things Not to do at Speed Dating" file: One of the worst mistakes a man can make is to tell each (or any) of the women that they are beautiful (or pretty, or attractive), and then ask, "What are you doing at speed dating?"
First of all, beautiful women want to meet men just as men want to meet women. When you tell a woman something like that, it only makes them self-conscious and they begin to wonder if they are in a room full of losers. Where it may have just been your intention to be charming, you have become instantly unattractive to them.
Save this misguided charm at least for a second date (or never!).
It is mind-boggling to me sometimes that people connect at all these days. With all of the 'lists' people have going, I think they'd do better in a 'Hollywood Fantasy Land' than in the realities of the real world. If you really want to find someone amazing, throw away your list of qualifications and just date all kinds of people. You never know the potential happiness you might find.
From the "Peculiar Incidents" file: Quite a few years ago, I held an event for women in their late 20's early 30's and men in their 30's. During the evening, I noticed that one couple weren't talking and they kept looking desperately at me to signal the end of that round. I asked the woman later what happened. Apparently, the man had said he was a doctor. This interested her and she kept quizzing him and eventually as things started to not add up, her interrogation became more intense. Eventually, he just shut down and they stopped talking. It mustn't have taken more than a couple of minutes for that to happen, so you can imagine the discomfort of the other five minutes. (I found out later that he was a PhD, not a medical doctor.)